Kellen and I had been worried about the cost of both of us doing the extra acupuncture treatments but I had been set on doing whatever it takes to improve my chances. In my mind earlier I had already decided that one positive thing about my last miscarriage was that I would have another chance to get pregnant with my egg. Our real dream is to fertilize Kellen's eggs and mine and pray for twins but of course be thrilled with one. If we have multiple fertilized embryos we will both try and get pregnant and see what happens.
As I sat with Erin today and I started to discuss with her the chances of me producing follicles this time around I felt myself getting discouraged and saying, well maybe we should just have Kellen do the acupuncture to improve the quality of her eggs since its such a slim chance for me. She did agree that if one of us was going to do it it would be best to have Kellen be the one. I almost gave in to that and then I caught myself and realized that if I didn't really give it my best shot this time I regret it. Yes it is a long shot but there is a chance and I don't want to miss this chance. For what, a few dollars? Seriously? I was willing to sell out on our dream for money? Then as I thought about it I realized the real reason I was back peddling was because I was getting nervous about feeling the disappointment again of not producing follicles. I was making my decision based on fear and not on hope or love. I was trying to avoid more heartache and pain but if I made the decision not to go for it I would be closing that opportunity forever. I want to give it one more try, just one more and see what happens. I believe in miracles, I believe in the power of prayer, I believe that anything is possible so I am going to make the decision based on that. Erin wholeheartedly agreed and agreed to do her part 180%!
So I almost sold out on our dream today. I almost let fear win in my decision making. I could have easily said we just can't afford it but I would have always known it was fear and I would have had to live with that decision.
We decided together that we are both going for it and hold our dream in our hearts, do everything we can and let go of the outcome. What will be will be but we are going to do our part in supporting our dream and the rest is out of our hands. No matter what we are never giving up and we are in it to win it! Love is on our side.
Where are you selling out on your dream? Where are you making your dream smaller so you don't have to deal with disappointment or failure? Where are you making your decisions from fear instead of faith or love?
Living a Sati life means you are willing to live consciously and keep improving the conversations you have with yourself daily. Learn to bring more love into your thoughts, words and actions and live the life you dream of!